Hundreds of Japanese Gamers Return Lightning Returns After Finding Out It’s Not a Dress-up Sim
After the midnight launch of Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII in Japan, the crowd of people eagerly awaiting the game turned into another crowd of people wanting to return the game after finding out it is not a dress-up simulator.The dress-up simulator is a very niche genre of video game mainly found in Japan where hardcore hikikomoris can dress up cute girls to their liking. It is easy to mistake Lightning Returns for a dress-up simulator after the creators discussed the amount of costumes in the game and the customization features that go with it. Overall, the creators talked more about the appearance of Lightning over any of the gameplay elements in Lightning Returns. We spoke with people waiting to return the game.
“I started up the game and suddenly I had to fight things,” said Hitoshi Tomimoto, “Five minutes of this and I shut it off and headed straight back to the store. This is not what was advertised on the internet. You don’t create a pretty girl to have her fight monsters. I saw all the costumes she could wear and I was transfixed by the possibilities which made me want to get the game in the first place. I was hoping instead that it might have been a dating simulator after the first fight, but then I realized I got tricked into buying a dirty action game.”
“This is quite possibly the worst joke mankind has ever pulled on me,” said Masashi Izawa, “I’m not afraid to admit this. I wanted to masturbate to this game. I already did to the pictures I saw of Lightning online and I waited patiently for this game’s release. I had my room set up with candles and it was going to be perfect. My desire was so strong, I kept playing even after I found out it was not a dress-up game just so I could get to the costumes. Then I realized the game wouldn’t let me see her panties. My patience had run out. This is why I’m in line waiting to return this game.”
Director Motomu Toriyama spoke at the midnight release defending and explaining Lightning Returns to the crowd of people wanting to return the game.
“I love Lightning more than any of you and I would have loved to see her in a dress-up simulator,” he shouted, “I first began this project as a dress-up simulator but I was told that the game would not sell. This is why Lightning Returns is an action role-playing game with only traces of the original plans. Now I can see that the true gamers have all come out to express their anger about Lightning Returns. This might be enough to get a whole series based around Lightning. She is the only character worthy enough to leave this whole Final Fantasy business behind.”
In response to this reaction from gamers, Square Enix announced that they have pulled all staff members working on Final Fantasy XV and have assigned them to work on a Lightning dress-up game for smartphones.