Gabe Newell Afraid For His Life After Saying Half-Life 3 Ending Notes Are in His Will

Yesterday, an update for Half-Life 2 sparked a huge search for any details relating to Half-Life 3. It is this fervor that has led Gabe Newell to start fearing attempts on his life from fans who want to find out more about Half-Life 3 from his will.hesgonnaneedalotofbodyguardsIn a press conference about Gamescom with Valve managing director Gabe Newell, he spoke to reporters about what people should expect at the event. One reporter asked a question wondering what would happen to Half-Life 3 if Newell should unexpectedly pass. Despite the morbidity of the question and the tenuous connection to Gamescom, he answered with the following:

Well, the answer is actually in my will. (laughter) I know that high-profile creators need to have a contingency plan just in case these things happen. I want the series to be concluded even if I am dead. This is why I have left all the story notes in my will. I trust my lawyers with these secrets more than my co-workers, that’s for sure. (laughter) My lawyers don’t play video games and therefore they don’t care and will not reveal or even look at the contents until I am dead.

Newell was scheduled to do another press conference today but abruptly cancelled which shocked many reporters who were accustomed to speaking with the co-founder of Valve. We talked to Newell over the phone about why he cancelled.

“I may have made a big mistake,” said Newell, “Last week, I revealed some secrets about Half-Life 3 that probably should not have been released. This morning, I checked my e-mail to see a bunch of messages about the language pack update for Half-Life 2. Many of them said something similar to ‘stop teasing us, we have waited too long and now we are going to kill you.’ Of course, I’ve gotten these types of death threats before, but something seemed different this time when someone snuck in a Portal-styled cake into my office. I don’t want to touch it because no one knows how it got here. I’m afraid it might be poisoned.”

Throughout the phone interview, Newell became increasingly worried when strange things started to happen around the office.

“Hold on a second,” interrupted Newell at one point, “Security seems to be escorting some fans off the premises. I would normally meet with fans but it appears the police are now getting involved because they had a variety of knives on them. Well, that’s definitely different than asking for a signature.” A few minutes later, Newell received confirmation that they were out there to harm him saying, “So it seems they did not want to kill me, just stab me enough to the near brink of death so my lawyers would release my will. That’s comforting.”

At another point, Newell abruptly hung up the phone and got back to us after half an hour.

“Someone just cut the phone line. We do not know who did it as our security camera in that area had been shut off somehow,” explained Newell, “This is not looking good. I think I am going to cut this conversation short and we will speak again sometime after I hire some more security. Oh, that reminds me. I better make sure to tell the hiring manager to double-check all the references this time so no more fans can try to get in.”

Then later after our conversation, police arrested a group of people involved in hiring a hitman who happened to be undercover. This hitman allegedly was going to be sent to Valve headquarters in Bellevue, Washington. We do not know any further details at this point in time.

A message that has since been removed from the fansite asked for recipes and instructions on how to bake a Portal-styled cake and for what special touches should be made to ensure a “fat son of a bitch” would eat it.

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17 Responses

  1. Concerned Citizen says:

    Hands-down my favorite P4R article yet.

  2. Cyberius says:

    This is just sad, people ACTUALLY willing to kill for a video game. Jesus.

  3. ShirosakiX says:

    P4R done it again.

  4. chuuchuupantsu says:

    Gabe refusing cake, even if it’s poisoned? I believe this article could possibly be a fabrication.

  5. Miner Steve says:

    well then… Fans are desperate…

  6. Well this is obviously horseshit. Fans paying a hitman to kill gaben? What kid came up with this?
    Nobody on earth would kill for a game, and you’re a dumbass if you think I’m going to believe so.

    • Andrew Santiago says:

      You’re fucking stupid if you think no one would kill for a video game. There are countless crimes where children killed for a video game, such as the case of this one kid who murdered his father because the father took away his keyboard or something so he wouldn’t play his game. He murdered his father for a fucking game. So next time, do some research before you say no one would kill for a video game.

      • Andrew Santiago says:

        How about you do the research, because obviously you haven’t. There are no cases like what you are talking about, and in fact, this has been brought to the supreme court, and was slapped down. There is no evidence between video games and violence, in fact, there is evidence of the opposite. You, are the stupid ignorant moron redneck who doesn’t know what the fuck he is talking about.

  7. Anonymous says:

    .. That story..was so fake.. I want my few seconds of my life back!.

  8. Andrew Payne says:

    This kind of sounds like bullshit.

  9. shitman wat if they kill im. says:

    oh no